i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
