Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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