the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
