If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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