So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
