The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
