at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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