we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
