Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
