so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
