Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
