He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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