I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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