it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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