I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
