The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
