if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
