discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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