can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
