You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
