I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
