apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
