Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
