just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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