just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
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Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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