I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
