I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
