Little spoons don't ask big questions
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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