There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
