Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
