1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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