She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
