I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
