I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
