Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
