Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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