____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
