Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
