Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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