I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize