I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize