Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
