I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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