I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
