ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
