I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
