**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
