The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
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PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize