I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
