I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
