can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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