My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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