Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
