i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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