I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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