I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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