my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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