You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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